


starring role

by patwrites



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Light Angst, M/M, Misunderstandings, Songfic, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-30
Updated: 2019-04-30
Packaged: 2020-02-10 09:48:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18657970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/patwrites/pseuds/patwrites
Summary: "It almost feels like a joke to play out the part/ When you are not the starring role in someone else's heart."OR how Steve has issues with his past, doesn't even realize he's the one treating Tony with the cold shoulder while still fucking him every so often. It's okay, they figure it out eventually.





	starring role

The glow of the arc reactor casts a faint light on the ceiling right where Tony’s eyes are staring holes into the panel. The rest of the room is blanketed in darkness, not even the lights of nighttime New York disrupting it due to the darkened windows –courtesy of JARVIS.

Tony can’t sleep.

The body next to him is warm, chest rising and falling softly with every breath he takes, and although Steve is right there, next to him, he’s never felt more distanced from Tony. Earlier, when he was resting his head on Steve’s chest, trying to catch his breath after one of the best orgasms Tony’s ever felt, he could faintly hear the other’s equally erratic heartbeat against his cheek. No words were exchanged between them, no “that was good”, no “did you like it?”, no words of comfort or affection passed between them. Tony’d just turned around, back to Steve. After, he caught his breath and waited until he heard the blonde’s own breathing calming down into the telltale signs of sleep to turn around and lie on his back.

Now the silence is deafening, the darkness is blinding and Tony’s heart threatens to break into a million little pieces. Knowing he won’t be able to fall asleep tonight, –he never is when Steve’s in his bed– Tony gets up carefully, picks up a ratty, old t-shirt and a pair of sweats then dashes for the bathroom, getting ready for another sleepless night in the workshop.

He makes it inside the workshop without fuss, everyone else most likely asleep already or doing their own thing in their rooms. Tony’s grateful because the last thing he wants –even though it would probably be what he needs– is to have someone question him about why he’s up, or _god forbid_ , having to talk about what’s bothering him. He will, probably, but in his own time, with someone of his own choice. _‘No offense, Barton, but you don’t strike me as the talking type.’_

“Lock the doors, Jarv,” Tony says once he steps foot inside, heading for the small kitchen tucked in a corner of the workshop to pour himself a hearty mug of coffee. It’s cold, as it usually is due to the malfunctioning coffee maker, but Tony ignores it and just sips at it. He’s been meaning to take a look at the old thing and see what’s wrong, but as Rhodey joked the other day, he fears he might get ahead of himself and make it sentient or add 30+ new settings to it.

“So, what are we working on tonight, boys?” Tony turns around, mug in hand, as Dum-E and U roll up to the workbench Tony usually prefers from their resting stations, beeping excitedly.

* * *

The blankets shift with the movement as Steve turns around and stretches in bed. His arm instinctively reaches for Tony, trying to find his warm body even in sleep, but instead cold air hits his exposed arm. He blearily looks up through half lidded eyes and finds the other half of the bed empty.

Steve sighs, turns around until he’s lying on his back and throws his arm over his face, on his forehead as he stares at the ceiling. _‘Get a grip on yourself, Rogers. Of course he didn’t wait for you to wake up, you’re not his goddamn boyfriend.’_

The blonde sighs once more then he gets up, gets dressed and leaves Tony’s room undetected. He takes a shower back in his own bathroom, then changes into a pair of sweats, a t-shirt and puts on his running shoes, ready to go for his morning run with Sam. He tries to put Tony off his mind and ignore the pang in his chest, but if Sam’s knowing look is anything to go by, he isn’t very successful at it.

* * *

Steve doesn’t look for him in the morning, doesn’t even ask JARVIS where he is when he wakes up alone in Tony’s room, and later when they bump into each other on the halls of the Tower –Tony in search of a sink to deposit his empty mug before taking a shower and Steve coming out of the kitchen– Steve doesn’t so much as nod at Tony in greeting, just pierces him with those judgemental blue eyes of his. Tony catches himself wistfully wishing that just once, they would look at Tony with warmth swirling in their midst instead of that iciness Steve seems to have reserved just for him. He stops himself before the thought can develop further when an aching sting from his childhood and a different name pop up in his mind (damn you, Howard) and simply slips right past Steve and into the kitchen, deposits the mug in the sink and bolts for his room to take that shower.

Right when he steps out of the bathroom, the alarm goes off and it’s all Tony can do not to trip over his own feet as he rushes to get dressed while he waits for the armor to come to him and assemble around his body.

“Doombots seem to be taking over Washington Square Park, sir,” JARVIS informs him as soon as the helmet is on, and additional data pops up on the HUD as Tony powers up the thrusters and takes off in the direction of the park, closely following the Avengers Quinjet.

The job is over quickly when Tony and Steve take Doom out –and the bots with him–, to Hulk’s displeasure seeing as he lost a bet to Thor about who could take down more bots. Thor claps him on the shoulder, a mocking smile on his face as he reassures Hulk he’ll get his chance at a rematch.

“But until then, pay up, big guy.”

Hulk grumbles, a sour look on his face, but takes out a crumpled fifty-dollar bill and hands it over. Tony doesn’t want to think about where the hell Ripped Shrek has been stashing it the entire time.

He turns around to face Steve, a proud smile on his face after a job well done, and goes for a hug before he can think better of it. Steve stiffens immediately and doesn’t reciprocate, making Tony’s heart drop to his stomach like a crumpled ball of heavy metal. He ends the hug quickly with a lame pat on the back, and clears his throat, then backs away from Steve, whose eyes he cannot meet. Tony tries to brush off his disappointment and the harsh sting of rejection, and legs it out of there before he can embarrass himself further.

He doesn’t wait for the others to get in the jet, simply flies over to SHIELD HQ alone as fast as he can, and busies himself with annoying Fury while they wait for the rest of the team to get there for debriefing.

Tony sits as far away from Steve as possible, and avoids eye contact the entire meeting.

“Hey, Tony, wait up,” Steve calls after him after Tony’s already further down the hall, and his plans of making a swift exit once the meeting’s over crumble to the ground.

The brunet stops and turns around. He almost experiences whiplash when he’s met with a smile, and hope soars in his chest.

“Listen, Cap, about earlier-“

“Don’t talk,” Steve interrupts and catches Tony’s lips in a heated kiss, knocking the breath out of him. He drags them in the nearest open and empty room, locks it behind them and works on undressing Tony wordlessly. Realizing that this time’s no different than before, Tony pushes down his disappointment and gets lost in Steve’s heated kisses and touches, accepting casual sex is the only thing he’ll ever be worthy of when it comes to Steve Rogers.

* * *

He’s surprised. There really isn’t another word to describe it when Tony suddenly turns to Steve with a smile and hugs him after they take care of Doom and his bots. The feeling is nice, Tony’s strong arms wrapped around his shoulders feel right, like they belong there, and Steve wants to hug him back, he really does, but he’s caught off hard and he’s frozen, like a stupid teen with a crush, useless, and so he doesn’t do anything.

Tony pulls off almost immediately, a hurt look on his face, and Steve kicks himself but before he can say another word Tony’s off and out of sight. Sam gives him an incredulous look, Natasha scowls and shakes her head, and Steve just runs a gloved hand over his face in frustration, managing to resist the urge to bite it in anger.

It’s obvious Tony didn’t take his reaction well because the genius takes the farthest seat away from him in the debriefing room, doesn’t even look at him even when he’s talking _about_ him and it feels like he can’t get out of the room fast enough once the meeting’s over.

Wanting to fix it, Steve jogs after him and manages to catch him just in time.

“Hey, Tony, wait up,” Steve calls out and he’s relieved when Tony does, and when he turns around Steve still has a smile on his face.

“Listen, Cap, about earlier-“

“Don’t talk,” Steve cuts him off with a kiss because he doesn’t want to use words now, can’t use words when he knows he might fuck it up even further. Instead, he wants to show Tony how he feels and apologize to him through actions. He drags them into the nearest open room, locks the door behind them and makes it up to Tony, loving the feeling of his skin underneath Steve’s lips and the sounds he can get out of Tony’s mouth.

* * *

Tony ignores Steve for the rest of the week. He doesn’t even realize he’s doing it the first few days but when he does he makes it his priority to steer clear of the blonde supersoldier as much as possible, even getting JARVIS in on it and asking him to alert Tony if he’s ever in danger of crossing paths with Steve.

He spends most of his time in the workshop with JARVIS, Dum-E and U. They work on new schematics for the armor, switch occasionally to tinkering with one of the cars, and play ping-pong on one memorable night. Tony goes back to his room to shower and for sleep, making sure to lock the door and tell JARVIS to send Steve away on the offchance he’ll pay him a visit. He does, almost every night, but Tony forces the hope down, knowing it’s not out the goodness of Steve’s heart or because he misses him or worries about him, and with every bitter thought it’s easier for Tony to ignore Steve.

He ignores him because it’s the only time he feels in control in their relationship. Tony’s never been a control freak, mostly letting his partner lead the way unless he felt the situation required his input, but with Steve it’s different. There’s no relationship to speak of, and any friendship they might have had before is gone now. They were good friends until a couple months ago, and Tony really thought they were on the same page there right before they fell in bed. But turns out Steve only wanted sex and nothing more, and Tony, being the self-deprecating asshole that he is, just rolled with it, taking whatever he could get from him.

He never asked for an explanation, never talked with Steve about his feelings, and now he’s got to the point where he’s a statue, afraid to feel, afraid to talk about said feelings, afraid to ruin whatever fucked up, tentative thing they have going on.

The only time Steve’s open, _vulnerable_ , is when they’re getting undressed to fuck, and even those moments are few and far between. It’s starting to make Tony depressed, and no matter how much Tony loves Steve, that’s not something he can live with.

The truth is, Tony adores Steve. From his lips and his eyes, to the curve of his back and his strong arms. From the sense of justice, his annoying humor, the cheekiness, to his infectious optimism and caring nature. It’s impossible for Tony not to love him, to leave him alone, he’s like a moth drawn to a flame.

Tired of his mind making up would-be scenarios and fantasies to cover up the fucked up situation he’s in, Tony grabs a bottle of alcohol from the shelf and goes to his room to drink in peace. It’s not one of his smartest decisions, but at least it gets the job done –he no longer thinks of Steve. Well, he can’t think, period, but those are just unimportant details.

Sometime between his 5th and 7th glass of alcohol, Tony sees the door to his room open and close, Steve’s towering form staring at him in shock from the doorway.

“Tony, what are you doing?”

Tony laughs and shrugs, mind buzzing. “What’ssssssss it look like, Capp?” he slurs, dragging his words and popping the “p” with a spacey smile.

“I thought you were done drinking, Tony. What made you do this?” Steve asks as he takes a step closer to Tony’s slumped form at the foot of the bed, bottle and glass within grabbing range. The look flickers between worried and disappointed in Tony’s poisoned mind, not being able to gauge out which it is, but Tony settles for disappointed, since that’s the mood Steve seems to always be in around the genius.

“C’mon, Cap, let’s just get drunk together,” Tony ignores the question and extends the bottle to Steve. “Forget we don’t like each other, huh?”

Now Steve’s face shifts into a pained expression and isn’t that something to marvel at? Tony ignores it, instead taking a gulp of his drink, draining the glass once more. When he’s about to pour himself another, seeing as Steve still hasn’t taken the proffered drink, the blonde angrily slaps it out of Tony’s hand hard enough that it shatters against the wall.

Tony has a moment to be startled before the emotion morphs into anger, pure, unbridled anger.

“The fuck’s your problem?” Tony yells, clutching the glass in his hands so hard it might shatter any second.

“You. You’re my problem, Tony. You’re destroying yourself,” Steve answers, a hint of anger in his voice.

“Why do you care, huh? Leave me be,” the genius mutters angrily, struggling to sit up. Steve rushes to help him, and Tony lets him, only to shove him away once he’s back on his feet. “You’re just like my dad, you know that? The man you so like to remind me I’m nothing alike. I’m sure you and Howard got along really well. Send my regards from hell,” Tony spits with venom in his voice, and pushes Steve out the door, then locks it.

He slides down the door until he’s on the ground, resting his back against the hard surface and clutches his knees close to his chest, breathing heavily.

“You don’t love me, so what?” he bites bitterly,” Big fucking deal. I’ll never tell you how I feel anyway, what’s the use.”

Tony keeps muttering to himself that as he starts crying, hiccups and sobs turning his words into a jumbled mess, and soon he gets tired and falls asleep right there on the floor.

* * *

It’s obvious Tony’s been ignoring him, avoiding him. After the hugging incident, Steve thought everything was fine between them, but apparently not. He hasn’t seen the other man in a week if not more, and every time he’s tried to talk to him he was met with a locked door and an apology from JARVIS, saying Tony was busy.

He expects tonight to be no different, yet Steve still stops at Tony’s door on his way back to his room, and tries it. He’s surprised when it opens with ease, but the sight that greets him makes him worried and angry in equal measure. So, he lets his temper get the best of him and they have a semi-fight before he’s being shoved out of the room by an angry Tony.

Still in shock, Steve remains facing the door and he can hear Tony muttering something to himself before he starts crying. It takes everything in Steve to walk away and not barge in there to comfort the man.

* * *

When he wakes up, his mouth is dry and bitter, his neck is stiff and in pain, and his head throbs. Tony gets up with a groan and makes his way to the bathroom like a zombie, taking a look in the mirror with some regret. He brushes his teeth slowly, insisting until he’s rid of the –literal and figurative– bitter taste in his mouth, then gets dressed slowly and cleans up the shards from the broken bottle of booze before he cuts his bare feet in them.

The Tower is quiet when Tony emerges, slow, careful steps guiding him toward the kitchen. He sees the team sitting on couches in the living room, watching a movie all cuddled up, and he smiles but continues to the kitchen silently, wanting to eat something before saying hi.

He’s almost done with his sandwich when Tony feels another presence in the room and turns around to see Steve looking at him from the doorway with a soft expression. He’s never seen that look directed at him in a while, so Tony accepts it wordlessly, finishing his sandwich and taking a bite.

Steve sees Tony clutch at his head after he puts the sandwich down, and just like that his expression turns dark. _‘Well, there goes my peace.’_

“Mind telling me what that was all about?” Steve asks, no, _demands_ of Tony a beat later.

“I don’t owe you anything, Cap.”

“Yes, you do. When I find you drunk out of your mind after you swore never to drink again, I think you owe me an explanation.”

“Well, you swore to be my friend and not fall into old habits of judging me every three seconds too, but I guess we’re both bad at keeping promises.”

Steve rears back as if slapped. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Oh don’t play innocent now, Steve,” Tony huffs. “I thought we had something going on here, something nice, and then you fucked me once and decided acting like a literal block of ice was better. I’m tired of your mind always drifting back to Bucky, to Peggy, hell even to dad. I’m tired of living in their shadows.”

Tony gets up and fills up a glass of water, then gulps it all down in one breath. Steve is still looking at him with shock, mouth agape but no words come out. Tony takes it as his chance to get everything off his chest.

“They’re not here anymore, Steve. They’re gone! But I’m here. I am and I’m very much alive, very much in love with you. I was never the type to sing about love to myself, never the type to fix my broken heart because guess what? I never allowed myself to fall in love, to entertain the idea. I knew how it’d end, and that was badly. I let myself be sloppy with you, hopeful. Like an idiot. And look where that got me.”

“I’ve been waiting for you to open up, to let me in. But now I see that I can never succeed in making you mine if you’re still chasing after ghosts in the dark,” Tony says, running a hand through his hair, “I’m sorry but this has to end, whatever this is between us. It feels like a joke to fool myself into thinking I matter to you when the starring role in your heart will always be someone else. I can’t be your lover, I can’t be your friend. Then I guess it’s better if I’m just nothing at all, isn’t it?”

“Tony, I…” Steve trails off, pain written all over him, from his body language to his facial expressions. Tony waits for him to say something, anything, but nothing comes out.

“That’s what I thought,” he nods, then takes his sandwich on a plate and goes up on the roof to eat, wanting to bask in the warmth of the sun and the gentle wind.

* * *

The sight of Tony shuffling to the kitchen, obviously in search of food, makes Steve smile. He gets up off the couch and goes after him, watching him prepare a sandwich before Tony finally notices him and turns around. He’s happy to see Tony feeling better, or at least looking better, but he can’t help the anger he feels at Tony relapsing the other night, at himself for not being there for him.

Once again, Steve makes the situation worse with his words.

And then Tony’s letting out what seems like months’ worth of thoughts and frustrations, and Steve’s at a loss for words. No, that can’t be it, can it? All this time he thought they were on the same page, that Tony was the one keeping Steve at a distance, and he had understood, of course he had, especially after his breakup with Pepper. But now…now he is not so sure anymore. Maybe he’s just been too blind to realize he’s been stuck in the past for so long that he can’t live in the present anymore. And he’s been hurting the one person he’s never wanted to hurt all this time without even realizing it.

“Tony, I…” he doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know what would make the situation better or fix the pain he’s been subconsciously inflicting on Tony all this time.

“That’s what I thought.”

Steve watches Tony walk away, steps sure and back straight. Tears involuntarily gather in his eyes and it doesn’t take long for him to start crying and tugging on his hair angrily, kicking himself, _hating_ himself for being an idiot.

But he can’t let Tony go, can’t let him slip through his fingers just because he’s been a complete fool. He knows better now and he will fix it, no matter how long it takes. If it takes a lifetime to get Tony to trust him again, Steve will do it. It will be the best use of his life there could ever be.

* * *

Tony doesn’t talk to Steve for a week. He passes by him but doesn’t spare him a glace, sits next to him in debriefing but ignores him profusely, and even when Steve talks to him, the man acts like he can’t see and hear him.

Steve doesn’t give up though. He keeps showing up at his door every night, and even though Tony doesn’t open the door, Steve takes a seat on the floor, rests his head against the door and talks to him about anything and everything. He apologizes for breaking Tony’s heart every night, and he can hear the brunet crying half of the nights Steve’s there.

After a week, Tony opens the door and lets Steve in one hour into his nightly monologue. Tony still doesn’t talk very much, but that’s alright. Steve can work with that.

Slowly, they start picking up their old routine, since before they fell in bed, of Steve joining Tony in his workshop and watching him tinker away as he draws him, of them getting burgers afterwards and talking while eating and walking around the city, of late night conversations in one of their rooms or on the rooftop of Avengers Tower. It feels like Steve finally has his friend back, and he couldn’t be happier. Still, something is missing and a few months later of the both of them ignoring the elephant in the room, Steve finally brings it up.

They’re eating pizza in Steve’s room, watching Star Wars again, and as the credits start to roll and Tony gets up to stretch, Steve gathers the courage to ask.

“Would you like to go on a date with me, Tony?”

Steve holds his breath as he watches Tony straighten his back and look him in the eye, suddenly a seriousness there Steve hasn’t seen often.

“Do you mean that? Like, for real this time? The real deal?” Tony asks suspiciously instead, eyes studying him like a hawk, looking for any trace of insincerity, of deceit.

Steve nods earnestly. “I do.”

“Okay then,” Tony sighs. “But you pull anything like that again.”

Steve doesn’t need Tony to finish to know what he means.

“I promise. I’ve…come to terms with my past, Tony. Have for a while, I just wasn’t brave enough to accept it and move on. But I’ve realized I have so much to live for here, so many people I care about. And you’re the most important. I’d like a chance to make that reality, and a chance to show you I can be more for you, I can make you happy. If you’ll let me.”

Tony smiles and it reaches his warm, brown eyes, making them crinkle at the corners. “Of course, Steve.”

He settles on the bed next to Steve again and kisses him on the cheek with a goofy smile.

“Now let’s continue watching, we have 6 more movies until we’re done.”

Steve smiles and nods, then hits play and snuggles close to Tony on his bed, where they remain for the rest of the day, well into the evening and even the night. They fall asleep like that, and for the first time in a long time, they both sleep peacefully, no nightmares or restlessness in sight.

**Author's Note:**

> I've wanted to write this fic since before Infinity War but i never got round to it. Shoutout to noah aka @avengertonys on tumblr for getting me to write it. This is for you, hope i didn't disappoint.
> 
> Leave a kudos, a comment, or come visit me on tumblr @armoredavengers!


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